:: I N S I D E R N E W S ::

Updated weekly on Wednesday and Friday.

Beta Issue - Updated:10.12.99.

I N S I D E R C A R D S

P L A S T I C . . .?

On my desk is the brand new Britney Spears doll.

I’m not going to stoop so low as to crack gags about plastic breasts, and no I haven’t seen ‘her’ naked yet ( I can’t get her top over her head ) but I am building her a state of the art home. It will have a swimming pool, a sauna and….well that’s it really, but at least she’ll get a lot of excersise.

Well, we both will.

-------------------------

Silly Willy
Will Smith’s New Album is called "Willennium". HA!HA! Get it?

Good to see Will hasn’t completely given up his brilliant comedy career.

-------------------------

Dicky Pickle
The cool-flying bearded one "Dicky Pickle" is threatening to throw his toys out of the cot unless someone tells him if his record stores are still going to be around in the brave new century. Considering what his toys amount to, those in the firing line may wish they’d taken up ballooning before Mr Woolly Jumper himself.

-------------------------

Superzoo
Supergrass and a Kazoo – together at last.

Always knew it was only a matter of time.

-------------------------

Maple Syrup
That nauseating Christmas anthem "Little Drummer Boy" from Messrs Bowie and Crosby is currently back in the Canadian Top 20.

Who says they don’t have a sense of humour?

-------------------------

Fleetwood & Foxy
Some fool has let Mick Fleetwood back in front of a live crowd. Due to present the UK showcase at the industry exhibition Midem in January, Mick will have the chance to impress that cheeky elf known as the Culture secretary – Chris Smith.

Samantha, move over - we can’t think of a better double-act.

-------------------------

Out-then
He’s escaped again. Mr King has scaled the walls of the secure lock down in another cringing attempt at Record of The Year. Mind you, this time he’s bought an inmate with him.

Ms Van Outen has been seen leering at innocent GMTV viewers over their cornflakes whilst managing not to sit back too far on those TV sofas for fear of her eyes automatically flipping shut.

-------------------------

N E W C R E A T I O N . . .

Alan McGee, the man who accidentally signed Oasis whilst drunk out of his mind in a pub in Glasgow six years ago, has this week announced that he will leave his own record label Creation next year. Founded in 1983 Creation helped bands that were so bad no one else in Britain would touch them.

Crap Student bands like the Jesus and Mary Chain and Primal Scream were the labels most notable signings until he met four plumbers and a car thief in 1993. Oasis went on to be one of the biggest bands on the planet and McGee got to hang out with New Labour and help them pull the wool over the eyes of Britain in 1997.

Oasis left the label last week to form their own record company which will be owned by Sony. McGee said "I feel like trying my hand at something new." - which translates as "I’m finished".

W I T H A P R A Y E R . . .

Well who would of guessed it, old poofy pants Sir Cliff Richard is top of the charts again. Even when he has to resort so low as to doing a cover version from that classic novel the Bible, he still seems to be able to seduce any old pony into buying his Christian karaoke music.

Cliff’s record ( Millennium Prayer ) is only at the top of the charts due to a clever marketing plan by his record label Papillion. They discovered that by dressing him as Jesus and nailing him to a wooden cross he would gain maximum appeal to the mass of church goers across Britain every Sunday morning.

And so, by Cliff actually appearing as Jesus and handing out free fish, bread and communal wine he in turn watched his own record miraculously transcend up the charts.

It’s a miracle.

G E O R G Y P O R G Y . . .

I’ve just read the press release for George Michael’s new album "Songs From The Last Century ". The press release boasts that George has " sold 67million records and notched up 11 number one singles and six number one albums ". However, it fails to inform the reader that it only takes one penis, one cubicle and one L.A cop to tarnish a career forever.

George should start writing classic gay anthems again soon, and stop murdering
other artists tunes. Get on with it bum chin.

B R O T H E R L Y L O V E . . .

Whilst watching the Corrs on T.V with the sound down, I realised that the guitar playing brother Jim is one of the luckiest men in pop and if he ever fell ill I’d love to stand in for him.

Of course I’d have to copy his stage performance perfectly to fit in. This wouldn’t be hard for me as it seems to consist of him standing behind the girls wearing glasses and looking smug…
I can see it now "Ben don’t you want to stand closer to the audience?"
"No, I’m fine Andrea the sound back here is perfect. Really, Really perfect."

L E N D U S A F I V E R . . .

The sad old fact that the blokes in Steps get paid more than the chicks raised it’s head again this week in a well known kids mag’. The interview was naturally a light hearted affair until they were asked to ‘lend’ the interviewer a fiver.

H: ’Sure, are you a bit short ?’.
Lee : ‘I’ll lend you a tenner if you like’.
All of which is even sadder when Lisa grovels …
‘Can you lend me a fiver ?. You see sir, I’m an orphan child. I was raised by wolves, and now I have to earn a small wage by badly miming to Abba records with a poor mans Butlins dance combo".

Ever thought of Busking and Begging Lisa ?
You could double your current pay Mon sweet Petit.

O N E O F T H E L A D S . . .

Another week goes by and Adam Rickett’s PR team once again try and paint a manly picture of him (not for him) as they try in vain to get rid of his ‘pretty gay boy’ image.

However, recent press articles aren’t doing him any favours . They state that Adam is "a real fan of pumping dance music and has been spotted fruggin’ the night away at a fair few discos". They also point out that Adam ‘doesn’t have a girlfriend at the mo-‘, and that he wants...‘some big hairy hands like my brother’s’.

All of this comes the week after Adam tried to act like one of the " lads" by announcing he ‘loved’ football, and that his favourite football team was ‘Manchester Rovers ‘.

I N M Y G A N G . . .

Even in prison Gary Glitter still can’t get away from his recent child porn shame. After refusing to sign any copies of his hits album "Glitter : The Early Years", Gary was seen peeling potatoes in tears.

One lag said : ‘It’s such a shame. No one wants to be in his gang. His career has really gone down the Gary Glitter."

Sources close to the star say he is planning a come back once free from jail. "He will be performing at a number of events next year". However, ‘Children In Need’ has been ruled out.

	I N S I D E R C A R D S P L A S T I C . . .? On my desk is the brand new Britney Spears doll. I’m not going to stoop so low as to crack gags about plastic breasts, and no I haven’t seen ‘her’ naked yet ( I can’t get her top over her head ) but I am building her a state of the art home. It will have a swimming pool, a sauna and….well that’s it really, but at least she’ll get a lot of excersise. Well, we both will.		------------------------- Silly Willy Will Smith’s New Album is called "Willennium". HA!HA! Get it? Good to see Will hasn’t completely given up his brilliant comedy career. ------------------------- Dicky Pickle The cool-flying bearded one "Dicky Pickle" is threatening to throw his toys out of the cot unless someone tells him if his record stores are still going to be around in the brave new century. Considering what his toys amount to, those in the firing line may wish they’d taken up ballooning before Mr Woolly Jumper himself. ------------------------- Superzoo Supergrass and a Kazoo – together at last. Always knew it was only a matter of time. ------------------------- Maple Syrup That nauseating Christmas anthem "Little Drummer Boy" from Messrs Bowie and Crosby is currently back in the Canadian Top 20. Who says they don’t have a sense of humour? ------------------------- Fleetwood & Foxy Some fool has let Mick Fleetwood back in front of a live crowd. Due to present the UK showcase at the industry exhibition Midem in January, Mick will have the chance to impress that cheeky elf known as the Culture secretary – Chris Smith. Samantha, move over - we can’t think of a better double-act. ------------------------- Out-then He’s escaped again. Mr King has scaled the walls of the secure lock down in another cringing attempt at Record of The Year. Mind you, this time he’s bought an inmate with him. Ms Van Outen has been seen leering at innocent GMTV viewers over their cornflakes whilst managing not to sit back too far on those TV sofas for fear of her eyes automatically flipping shut. -------------------------
	N E W C R E A T I O N . . . Alan McGee, the man who accidentally signed Oasis whilst drunk out of his mind in a pub in Glasgow six years ago, has this week announced that he will leave his own record label Creation next year. Founded in 1983 Creation helped bands that were so bad no one else in Britain would touch them. Crap Student bands like the Jesus and Mary Chain and Primal Scream were the labels most notable signings until he met four plumbers and a car thief in 1993. Oasis went on to be one of the biggest bands on the planet and McGee got to hang out with New Labour and help them pull the wool over the eyes of Britain in 1997. Oasis left the label last week to form their own record company which will be owned by Sony. McGee said "I feel like trying my hand at something new." - which translates as "I’m finished".
	W I T H A P R A Y E R . . . Well who would of guessed it, old poofy pants Sir Cliff Richard is top of the charts again. Even when he has to resort so low as to doing a cover version from that classic novel the Bible, he still seems to be able to seduce any old pony into buying his Christian karaoke music. Cliff’s record ( Millennium Prayer ) is only at the top of the charts due to a clever marketing plan by his record label Papillion. They discovered that by dressing him as Jesus and nailing him to a wooden cross he would gain maximum appeal to the mass of church goers across Britain every Sunday morning. And so, by Cliff actually appearing as Jesus and handing out free fish, bread and communal wine he in turn watched his own record miraculously transcend up the charts. It’s a miracle.
	G E O R G Y P O R G Y . . . I’ve just read the press release for George Michael’s new album "Songs From The Last Century ". The press release boasts that George has " sold 67million records and notched up 11 number one singles and six number one albums ". However, it fails to inform the reader that it only takes one penis, one cubicle and one L.A cop to tarnish a career forever. George should start writing classic gay anthems again soon, and stop murdering other artists tunes. Get on with it bum chin.
	B R O T H E R L Y L O V E . . . Whilst watching the Corrs on T.V with the sound down, I realised that the guitar playing brother Jim is one of the luckiest men in pop and if he ever fell ill I’d love to stand in for him. Of course I’d have to copy his stage performance perfectly to fit in. This wouldn’t be hard for me as it seems to consist of him standing behind the girls wearing glasses and looking smug… I can see it now "Ben don’t you want to stand closer to the audience?" "No, I’m fine Andrea the sound back here is perfect. Really, Really perfect."
	L E N D U S A F I V E R . . . The sad old fact that the blokes in Steps get paid more than the chicks raised it’s head again this week in a well known kids mag’. The interview was naturally a light hearted affair until they were asked to ‘lend’ the interviewer a fiver. H: ’Sure, are you a bit short ?’. Lee : ‘I’ll lend you a tenner if you like’. All of which is even sadder when Lisa grovels … ‘Can you lend me a fiver ?. You see sir, I’m an orphan child. I was raised by wolves, and now I have to earn a small wage by badly miming to Abba records with a poor mans Butlins dance combo". Ever thought of Busking and Begging Lisa ? You could double your current pay Mon sweet Petit.
	O N E O F T H E L A D S . . . Another week goes by and Adam Rickett’s PR team once again try and paint a manly picture of him (not for him) as they try in vain to get rid of his ‘pretty gay boy’ image. However, recent press articles aren’t doing him any favours . They state that Adam is "a real fan of pumping dance music and has been spotted fruggin’ the night away at a fair few discos". They also point out that Adam ‘doesn’t have a girlfriend at the mo-‘, and that he wants...‘some big hairy hands like my brother’s’. All of this comes the week after Adam tried to act like one of the " lads" by announcing he ‘loved’ football, and that his favourite football team was ‘Manchester Rovers ‘.
	I N M Y G A N G . . . Even in prison Gary Glitter still can’t get away from his recent child porn shame. After refusing to sign any copies of his hits album "Glitter : The Early Years", Gary was seen peeling potatoes in tears. One lag said : ‘It’s such a shame. No one wants to be in his gang. His career has really gone down the Gary Glitter." Sources close to the star say he is planning a come back once free from jail. "He will be performing at a number of events next year". However, ‘Children In Need’ has been ruled out.